Cats are humans, according to humans. According to cats, cats are superhuman.
I hate my cats, that’s why I love them so much. I hate the way they never let me win. I hate the way they manipulate me no matter how hard I try to get the upper paw. And that’s another thing I hate their paws. How can something so soft and cute contain such items of lethal destruction? I abhor the claws in the paws especially the four claws in the fore paws.
I hate the way this eight kilogram hairy dish-mop impersonator uses the can opener. He can open a can of cat food while sitting still and moving nothing. He stares. He doesn’t blink. He just stares – at me next to his empty food bowl. He says nothing at the top of his voice. The can opener (that’s me), mesmerised and hypnotised by the Manipulative Man Moggy mindlessly picks a can from the shelf, and slops the contents into his bowl. He thanks me profusely by doing nothing other than eating his food and walking off without a backwards glance.
I hate that cat.
Now, if you hate cats as much as I hate cats you are bound to have dust collectors. You must have at least four dozen pairs of cat-shaped salt and pepper shakers that you never use, a minimum of six cat calendars adorning your walls, none of which are set to the right month, and a minimum of eight hot water bottles covers in various ugly cat shapes. You will also have three unused cat-shaped tea pots and will eat your breakfast from a bowl marked Kitty.
To qualify as a cat owner you must also conform to the following. When eating ice cream, you are never offended if your cat cleans the remains of the ice cream from your bowl before you have finished dessert. You cannot sleep unless your lump of lard is ensconced across your feet, pinning your legs to the bed.
Cat Owners Need Two Refrigerators
Cat owners don’t have a refrigerator. They have two.
One refrigerator is just not big enough to house all of the cat fridge magnets that you have found and the one that has pride of place says Husband and Cat Missing – $1000 reward for return of Cat!
Bad Cat Behaviours
Some of my clients also hate their cats. ‘Sabre’ is a much hated cat. He has sprayed urine twice. Not a record you might think, but a tad annoying when both times have been in your mouth when you are snoring. He purrs, nicely, and he’s forgiven.
Of course we can’t forget Cleo the Cloth-Eater. She has a little obsession that causes her to chew relentlessly on fabric items. Her owners claim the massive holes in their expensive jumpers are a new fashion craze and they don’t bother buying bedspreads with tassels any longer. One cute mew is enough to banish punishment for her crimes.
If you’re not a cat owner, you won’t understand the joys that cats bring. Their independence, their aloofness, their mastery of one-up-manship is a divine joy for us catophiles but the pinnacle of pleasure is when a cat melts into your arms, squints its eyes lovingly and purrs with a deep rumbling that melts away the day’s stresses.
Move over Man-Cat, I’m coming to bed – if that’s okay with you.